To everything you've rearranged
And I close my mind
To everything you've kept the same
Put the axle on and roll again
- ”A Loverless Bed(Without Remission)”
I have never known a marriage, with some miles under it, that hasn’t hit some form of separation. Some never leave the house, other’s move out for a time, often leading to the end of the relationship. And others, after months of hard walking, self-examination, asking questions most never glimpse, come back together into something new, where all the petty things no longer matter, and there is a something solid underneath that no one else can touch.
I know no other way to describe the recent months. Ups and downs. Moments of “ah, I think we are going to make it.” And just as many “There’s the last drop, I am calling it a day, done.” (This might just be one of those moments) After 22 years you’d think you would know someone. After so much shared, so many adventures together, you would think that counts for something. "You cannot enter into any sort of significant relationship if you aren't willing to forgive a lot, & allow yourself to be forgiven a lot", I've heard it said, and know is true even in the unknowns.
But what if after all that time you wake up more and more mornings to the awareness that you don’t know this Other at all? Do you go another 20 some odd years? Or cash in the tickets for the next 20+ rides and go your separate ways?
What if leaving wasn’t an option because you can never really leave this person no matter how little you seem to know him? Stuck in a loveless marriage? Or just at a crossroads where all that you thought was love has fallen away like ashes on the path, and maybe, just maybe there is something else called Love sitting in the quiet to be discovered?
I hope it’s the latter. After 22 years, I haven’t much left in me to stay. And yet, I have even less in me to go, nor anyplace I can go. In the marriage to Life there is no leaving.
“I hate you God,
I love you Madeline,
Hate, God” from “The Irrational Season”