Disorienting / by KR


Kangaroo Silhouette
Originally uploaded by JIGGS IMAGES.
Amidst the news cycle this last week you might have missed the BBC Story about a kangaroo that, for no explainable reason, decided to hop out into the ocean, only to find it couldn’t swim (could you with a grocery bag for a gut and those tiny arms?). It was a surfer that saved the poor kid – “kid” being the name for younger Kangaroos – by pulling the Roo onto his board and paddling him into shallow waters. The Roo proceeded to hop off down the beach a bit disoriented, most likely thinking, “Now why was I trying to hop across the ocean? What was THAT all about?”

I can’t knock the Kangaroo.

I’ve felt quite a bit like him/her this past week. Disoriented. Finding myself in places that I am not exactly sure what to do next. It’s not that the situations or circumstances changed. It’s me that has changed. Without me really knowing. So, I “hop” into these places I’ve been before and don’t know what exactly it is I used to do here, but I used to do something... I just don’t know what it was, and it seems I don’t need that way of operating anymore. So what now?

More than I am aware this is affecting so many areas of my life.

It is the result of... well, if you read everything that’s been written before this over the past month or so, you get a bit of an idea.

There is something that happens inside of a person on the backside of healing, resolution, rewiring. Without warning, behaviors and ways of engaging the world that were more out of hurts and less out of life no longer exists. Some examples: I don’t have even a flicker of desire anymore to chase after friendships that are obviously one sided but desire to be ever more present in the ones that bring life; I, all of sudden, am more aware of my age in any given setting – which means I have a lot to offer, and there are a many things I don’t waste my time on anymore, and I am free to not let my age hold me back from being young in all the ways that are life-giving and none of the ways that are amateur hour; and, to some degree, I am more comfortable in my own skin than I’ve been in awhile.

The trick is, it takes time for the new ways of responding, living to settle in. This is still happening for me.

And the result is… I tend to make absurd movements like that Kangaroo on the Gold Coast, hopping off into the ocean, needing rescue once in awhile, and finding myself a bit soaked, hopping down the beach saying to myself, “Now what was THAT all about? I really must be disoriented.”

”…be sad and silent with enthusiasm, hurl your happiness into people’s faces… to convey happiness you must be happy, to convey pain you must be happy. Be happy, you must suffer! Don’t be scared of suffering, the whole world suffers!” from one of my new favorite films, “El Tigre Y La Nieve”

It’s all a bit disorienting