In that moment the light somehow changed, the colors became more and I was running with a stupid smile on my face, a smirk at getting called on my shit by none other than the one who made me. It was akin to something my therapist did to me when I was in counseling 10 years ago. I would walk into a session some days really down on myself, giving myself the one over about some failure or sense of worthlessness. He’d listen – as they are prone to do – and then he would say something like, “Your father called before you got here and asked me to tell you that you are worthless and a failure.”
It was startling. For a second my thoughts went something along the lines of: “How did he get your number? Why is he calling you?…He really said that?” and then there was the “wait for it” moment of, “Oh, you are calling me on my own shit.” He knew perfectly well that I was telling myself the same lies I perceived from my dad growing up and he wasn’t going to let me get away with it anymore.
For too long I’ve drawn the wrong conclusions about my past. I’ve passed my judgment and was sure I came up short, seriously screwed the pooch, or missed the point all together. It makes me think maybe all the stuff Jesus said about not judging was more in regards to our own self than others, first. Not just that we are our own worst critics but that we have a very dim, narrow perspective about what was happening at any given moment. Maybe part of the freedom he spoke of was a freedom from judging the moments from our past – especially the ones we most regret. Ryan Adams says it well in ”Go Easy”: “I will always love you, so go easy on yourself.”
It seems that when I drop the blame game I play with my self – my “Self” being the only one to blame – the light changes, the colors are more, and I am free to run in the life that is going on right now before my eyes. This is something I need to hear not just a few months ago, but today as I look for someone to kick in my grumpiness that is roused by Indiana…even if I am heading off to Tennessee.